


Without Me

by MOONLITDIANE



Series: How Johnny and Ten Fell In Love [1]
Category: K-pop, NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Busy, Hendery and Ten being best friends, Hendery is sweet, M/M, Misunderstanding, Mom kun, Sad, Taeyong best friend, Tears, Tour, abandoned, and Kun is mom, and stuff, bad breakup, cry bitch, johnny is kind of an asshole, unwanted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2021-01-27 14:28:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21393697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MOONLITDIANE/pseuds/MOONLITDIANE
Summary: [3:15 AM] "I once saw my future in your eyes, Suh, I saw my whole life planned out whenever I held your hands, I saw my happily ever after whenever I kissed you, and you know what? I was so fucking stupid to believe that I was in your future too — that I was in your plans too,"
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Series: How Johnny and Ten Fell In Love [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1542361
Comments: 4
Kudos: 57





	Without Me

**Author's Note:**

> NEXT: Pride and Fucking Prejudice (JohnTen Hogwarts AU)

_'the number you dialed cannot be reached'_

The same cold feeling that had been bothering Ten for months was yet again spreading from his chest to his fingertips, the numbing pain from his heart screaming and thrashing inside his rib cage, begging to just be torn apart with one swift move instead of this months-long wait for something that will probably never come back.

Johnny Suh will never come back to Ten. 

A silly thought — I mean, they were in the same group, they'd probably see each other again.

But he was flying too high now, he abandoned their plane for something that could soar higher than the stars. He abandoned their clouds, sunsets, and mountains, he abandoned all the promises they made late nights through the phone.

He forgot all about that, all that because of a tour.

Ten's eyes lower down from his own image in the mirror of the practice room, down to the wooden floor. He could feel his throat tightening up, his body slowly going soft, the tight grip on his phone and his strong stance faltering. He was alone in the room, midnight with no chance of anyone walking in on his facade breaking apart. 

For the first time in 8 months, Ten finally felt the loneliness and yearning for Johnny hit him, the annoying thought at the back of his mind finally broke down the door to his heart and his tears. 

Tonight was the last straw, he wasn't going to put up with this bullshit anymore, he wasn't going to sit around anymore and wait for an answer to all of his questions, if they were gonna stay unanswered then fine, stay unanswered.

With little energy and little fucks given, Ten opened his contacts and tapped call on Taeyong's number. The one person who never failed to put effort into updating Ten with everything going on in their tour, Doyoung never failing to butt in with an affectionate insult or two.

It rang three times before Taeyong's chirpy **"Hello" **reached Ten's ears. An involuntary smile made its way to his face, the big baby energy his best friend radiated was just too strong.

Nothing can really match their friendship, they're always gonna be each other's anchors.

**"Hey, Yongie, um, where's Johnny?"** Ten nervously asked, his legs taking him backwards, his back meeting the wall, the cold feeling seeping through his thin black shirt. He didn't mind though, he didn't mind how quiet it was, how late it was in the night, all that was plaguing his mind was Johnny fucking Suh.

A few seconds of silence was between Taeyong's reply, a very short pause but it spoke volumes, it revealed details that Ten already knew.

**"He and Jaehyun are out shopping, I..."** Ten wanted to laugh almost at how fucking ridiculous all of this was.

**"I don't know when they'll be back, I'll text you as soon as possible, okay?"** the older male stumbled to find his words, afraid that his best friend might just break down on the other side, without any other form of comfort but empty words. 

**"yeah, I'll umm..."** a deep breath.

**"I'll end the call now, I have to go home,"** Ten disappointedly turned off the call, not waiting for Taeyong to say 'bye'.

He turned around, ignoring how much his chest ached and his eyes watered, he can't allow himself to cry because of Johny Suh — no, it'll be the last thing he does, God, even if they break up, he's _not_ gonna cry for that idiot.

But as he walked out the building, his bag got heavier and heavier as if reflecting how he felt with every step he took.

The night air felt cold, with nothing to shield him but a black shirt and sweatpants, his hair dyed orange hid under a black hat. His eyes looked up, the stars shone brightly, almost tauntingly at him.

Here, in the middle of a country he wasn't born in, speaking a language he learned so hard to become fluent in, in the middle of a street all alone — the silence was almost deafening.

He felt numb to the extreme temperature of November in Seoul, he felt numb to everything, his eyes glossed over and he walked to the dorms, letting his feet guide him but his eyes were somewhere else, lost in thought,

_Johnny Suh._

Who the fuck was he to burrow himself in Ten's heart? who the fuck was he to become someone Ten cared about? Who the fuck was he to steal Ten's heart and in the end, leave it all alone? Who the fuck was he to not take responsibility for the love that he knew well was forming?

Ten hated being in love cause he knew that no matter how happy he was in the moment or how much overflowing romance he felt, he knew that in the end, it was gonna end up the same — he was gonna be left broken.

He felt his phone buzz in his pocket but he didn't answer it — if he even noticed it was buzzing.

He felt like a fool.

An absolute _clown_ for waiting for someone that was never planning on staying in your arms.

He passed by the Dreamies' dorm, he could hear Jeno and Jisung still up, playing video games, even after being scolded by Kun to not stay up too late. He could even hear Renjun swearing at the both of them to shut the fuck up and let them fucking sleep.

Keys jingled as he opened the door to WayV's dorm, catching the youngest members watching a movie, their eyes drooping.

**"Hey, why are you still up?"** dropping his bag, he grabbed the bowl of popcorn in Hendery's hands and placed it down on the table. 

**"Go to your rooms and sleep, before Kun catches you three,"** he helped Yangyang up, as well as lightly slapping Xiaojun on the cheeks.

The three stumbled like drunk men towards their rooms, sleepily bidding Ten a goodnight who turned off the tv. 

**"Ten-ge,**" Hendery yawned, turning around, his hair a complete mess. 

**"I was waiting for you, I was worried,"** he closed his eyes a bit, sleep slurring his words.

"**I wanted you to know that, it's alright to let go because I know you deserve better and deserve to,"** he cut himself off with another yawn.

**"you deserve to know what unconditional love feels like, y'know? With someone who's willing to stay,"** Ten felt a small smile on his lips when Hendery finally finished, a goofy tired smile on his face.

**"Goodnight, Ten-ge,"** Ten hummed in response, the younger boy closing the door behind him. 

He was yet again, left in silence, processing Hendery's words.

> _We accept the love we think we deserve._

Now, Ten realized, he deserved much more than that guy who up and left him. 

Hendery was right, he deserved to know a love that doesn't demand so much of him, he deserved to know a love that doesn't limit him — a love that doesn't want anything in exchange.

He always knew he gave too much to everyone and he was just fed up at this point.

He tried so hard to remember the good memories, the memories that brought butterflies to his stomach, and got his heart racing so fast that he thought he was gonna have a heart attack — but he _couldn't_. All he could remember at this point was memories of a relationship that was bound to crash and burn.

He felt his phone buzz again and this time he checked to see who was calling.

> _Youngho is calling..._

It read.

Ten hesitated, his fingers hovering over the decline button but decided against it when something in the back of his mind reminded him that this is the night he can finally end his suffering. 

**"Hello?"** trying his best to keep his voice monotone, he quickly walked to his room, heart pounding hard with anticipation.

**"_Chittaphon_!"** he visibly cringed at that, hours ago, months ago, he would've been comfortable with Johnny calling him by his first name but now, he was appalled almost.

**"Yes?"** he leaned against his door.

**"Why weren't you picking up your phone?"** He could hear the frustration in his voice.

A sudden anger came upon Ten.

**"Shouldn't I be the one asking you that?"** Lucas had made a comment ages ago, that Ten was the scariest one when angry -- his anger was the type that wasn't explosive, no, it was the type of anger that was cold and sharp.

**"If you're so desperate to call me then why didn't you fucking pick up the first time I called back?"** Johnny didn't want to start now, he just had fun with his friends and now Ten was ruining his mood.

Ten barked with laughter, but instead of humor, it was dry and full of pain.

_ **"Why did you force Taeyong to tell me that you were out with Jae when you weren't?"** _

_silence_

Ten took this as a sign to continue, **"God, Youngho, it's so fucking obvious you've been avoiding me,"**

Don't cry. Don't cry. _Don't fucking cry._

**"Are you that high up, Suh? huh? are you that successful that you _forgot_ all about your boyfriend waiting at home?"** He ran a hand through his hair.

**"Don't say that,"** Johnny growled.

**"Bloody hell, Youngho! just one text, one stupid text,"** his voice wavered, his mind raced, trying to find the right words.

**"We're supposed to reach our dreams together! don't you forget that we were best friends before we got together! we're in this together, Youngho, we were supposed to be in this _together_,"** he choked on his own words.

The lone light from the lamp on his nightstand illuminated the painful expression on his face and made his wet eyes shine almost. 

**"I said I wouldn't cry over you but God, how long do I have to suffer? Cause I'm so tired, Youngho, I'm so so tired,"** the tears were so close to spilling.

**"Then why don't we just break up?"** Johnny tried to sound tough and like he was okay but he wasn't, Ten knew what the slight emotion in his voice meant — but he wasn't going to let his heart get the better of him, he won't let his heart win over his mind.

**"Why do you think I've been trying to call you?"** Johnny couldn't believe what he was hearing.

**"Chittaphon...I...We-"**

**"Don't fucking call me that,"** Ten's voice was cold and filled with venom but he was slowly sliding down the wall, feeling a pit in his stomach as the realisation of finally getting his long awatied closure hit him.

Ten wished he had listened to himself back then, he wished they could've stayed just as best friends but that's the past now, isn't it?

**"From now on, we're going to be professional, we're just bandmates now, nothing more, got me, Suh?"**

**"Wait-"**

**"Shut up! I've been trying to call you for months on end, I've been crying myself to sleep every night waiting and waiting for closure, for anything from you, waiting for something so my heart can finally rest and now that I have the chance to say everything, _you fucking listen to me!"_**

A mix of emotions ran through Ten's veins, a mix of anger and sadness and so much more that he can't put into words.

**"Did you even think about me? Did you even remember me? Cause me? everyday I remember you, everyday I thought about you,"** he sniffled.

**"I once saw my future in your eyes, Suh, I saw my whole life planned out whenever I held your hands, I saw my happily ever after whenever I kissed you, and you know what? I was so fucking stupid to believe that I was in your future too — that I was in your plans too," **

Ten's voice got quieter and quieter, his last statement was almost a whisper, a whisper that hung in the air, a whisper that will always be confined in these four walls.

**"Thank you, Suh, cause you made me crazier in a good way, you made me do shit I never knew I would do,"** He pressed his forehead on top of his knees, breath uneven.

**"And I hope you're fucking thankful that I put you up there, that I saw you as some kind of God that would free me of sadness and loneliness, but now, your're too far away to hold, too high,"** and slowly, just a bit, just a little bit of bitterness came back in his voice.

**"Bye, Youngho,"**

and he ended the call.

For the third and final time that night, silence surrounded Ten.

Ten tried really hard to fight back his tears and emotions but he couldn't, now that he was alone, he was truly alone now.

He reclaimed his heart back, he finally got that closure he so desperately wanted but _why_ —

_why does it still hurt?_

If Ten only knew that the pain is going to linger for much longer than he wanted, if Ten only knew that the hurt isn't going away soon.

His cries echoed in the poorly lit room, everything came crashing back to him now, just when he thought he'd started hating Johnny — all of it was coming back.

Who was he kidding? Once upon a time, he had loved Johnny and he still does but he had to sacrifice the one person he had given everything to, to move on with life, to truly be happy with himself.

Even if he can't run away from the pain or the undeniable urge to call Johnny up again, this is just part of the process. 

Unbeknownst to a broken Ten that was on his bedroom floor, crying his fucking eyes out, in the other side of the world, Johnny Suh was frozen in his spot, eyes leaking tears that he wasn't even aware of.

Johnny suddenly felt cold in the hot air of California, he couldn't process anything — nothing. 

His mind failed to realize what had just happened, he failed to speak up and failed to fix everything.

He had just lost his best friend and the love of his life and he didn't know what to do. He was crumbling down in _ruins_.

_And saying the fans were worried was an understatement when Johnny suddenly missed the rest of the tour._

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if this is too angst filled for you :(


End file.
